Gorillas and 'The Voice'

I watched the TV reports of the little boy who got into the gorilla area at the zoo, sadly resulting in the gorilla being killed to protect the child.  It was a totally preventable tragedy.

In my work as a counselor in a Child & Adolescent Center where children with behavior disorders were referred, I found that most problems in young children were directly related to parenting style.  Most of my counseling was aimed at teaching parents (usually mothers) how to be a more effective parent.

As mentioned in my last blog, in the parent-child relationship, love is of course the primary essential ingredient; but so often love is misinterpreted as indulgence of the child’s wants and wishes.  A bad idea!  The young child has no judgment—only wants and wishes.  It’s the parent’s job to employ good judgment, that’s why children have parents instead of flying out of the nest at the end of the first year.  Pay attention parents—shaping you child’s behavior is your whole job description.  The love every child needs is not ‘candy-heart-lollypop’ love but ‘eat your vegetables and drink your milk’ love . . . not what she/he wants but what is needed for their well-being.

A young child has no idea about the world or how it operates, doesn’t know the good from the bad nor what will help and what will harm. The child needs a compass to guide him or her through possible dangers.  The compass needed is the firm ‘voice of authority’ with “No” and “Stop” as true North.  Every parent should develop it early.  It evolves through persistence and consistency and kids can learn to read it early—beginning when the baby pulls up to the standing position and reaches for the ‘pretty thing’ on the table, a firm level ‘No’ without shout or scream—then praise if she stops or removal from that place if he doesn’t.  It’s ‘The Voice’, with follow through that provides security as they grow.  They don’t understand the world, but they have a protector who does.

Most of us have witnessed the scene where a toddler runs away when called by a parent . . . parent runs after . . . maybe even laughing—after all, a toddler is easy to catch! . . . but it’s a mistake.  The mistake is not the game; it’s the ‘when’ and ‘who’.  It’s fun to play chase with a little one; play it together and laugh, catch and toss in the air . . . all good fun, but not at the child’s whim when being called by a parent.  That running needs a firm ‘NO’, followed by a firm repeat of the name using ‘the voice’.  If the child responds, smile and say “that’s good, honey” or some such approval; but if he or she doesn’t stop, catch them and take the child by the arm and march him/her back to the spot you called from, and with ‘the voice’ say, “You do not run from me when I call you!”  Children learn quickly.

In parenting, the most important thing to establish early is that you are in charge, you mean what you say, and behavior brings consequences.  A child will respect a firm and fair authority.  They don’t understand the big complex world and it is comforting to know they are in the hands of one who does.

That’s where it begins.  It’s hard work, and it doesn’t always go smoothly.  The parent’s consistency (or lack thereof) sets the tone; if you give directives and don’t follow through, kids come to consider it optional to listen or not.  What it comes down to is that you are shaping attitudes and building mutual respect.  The child who respects a parent will cooperate . . . and it will be so much easier to live together!

Again I think of the zoo and that totally preventable tragedy.

A woman who was in the area of the gorilla pen when the incident happened was interviewed on TV, she said she heard the mother and child arguing, he was insisting he wanted to go in there, she said no he couldn’t but he kept insisting  --- What would be an effective response?  Take his hand, firmly say, "We are done with gorillas" and leave the area; if he throws a tantrum, use 'the voice' to say, "Now we are done with the Zoo" and leave.

                An adult arguing with a 4 year old?!  And where was she when he stepped over the barrier?

                        Sadly, it truly was a preventable tragedy.

Motherhood and Families

Last Sunday was Mother’s Day—throughout the week I’ve been thinking about families in general, and single parenting in particular.  I read Sheryl Sandberg’s Facebook blog on women raising children alone.  She is new to the experience (just 1 year), while I’m on the ‘other side’ of it; my four children are adults with their own families.

Sheryl touched upon many of the issues and challenges presented to the single parent: there is pain and loss with powerful feelings of both sadness and anger whatever circumstances brought it about; there is the cultural fantasy about the ‘ideal family’ to struggle against; and for many there is inadequate finances and the absence of a helping hand.  Sheryl admits she was fortunate to avoid that last double category yet she still found it difficult.  (My journey included them all).  It sounds daunting because it is! –Yet it is more than just a slogan to say that struggle builds character. (That is if you survive it.)  Since I’m on the other side of single parenting I can attest that it was a gargantuan struggle, yet I can look back and find value.  …And yes, I can even say “Thank You”.

I can identify specific gains for myself and my children that very likely may not have been had the unsuccessful marriage continued.  I have a studio picture taken of the family shortly before my husband left and recently at a family gathering, as we looked at it, each of us could now recognize the unhappiness registered on the faces hiding behind the photographic smile.

Here is a brief cameo of the circumstances of my marriage’s end:  after ten years and four children, my husband ‘fell in love’ with a young woman (19 or 20).  When I learned of it and confronted him he announced he did not love me nor find family life satisfying and that it was his “right to be happy”.  He offered to “keep up appearances and stay with the family but would not give up the love of his life”.  I declined the offer, stating he had to make a choice; my wish was to go to counseling and try to re-build a marriage.  He chose to desert the family, move to another state and thereafter have no interaction with any of us.  At the time my oldest was 8 and youngest 1.  We had a home in Atlanta GA, a thousand miles from both families.  A few months prior I had returned to part-time work as an Occupational Therapist.  He left me no money.  After two years we divorced.  At maximum the only support he provided was $10/per child per week.  It was before ‘dead beat dad’ laws and he was many states away so I was told by the courts they couldn’t help me, I’d have to secure a private lawyer—needless to say that was financially out of the question.

There is much to be said about those early years but I’ll leave it at saying it was hard, very hard—I cried and prayed a lot—it took perhaps ten years to come to feel I had safely ‘made it’.  How did I make it?  A line from the Bible sums it up—1Kings 17:16 “. . .for the jar of flour was not used up and the jug of oil did not run dry. . .”

My folks helped with the kids while I returned to college to get my Masters and good jobs followed.  Ultimately I got a teaching position and the ten years at Palm Beach Community College as my kids grew to adulthood were the happiest and most rewarding of my life.

Earlier I stated I see value in the struggle and I feel blessed.  There are three essentials that enabled us to survive and thrive as a family:  1) Love, respect and concern for eachother,  2) consistency of expectations and effort by all, and  3) a foundation of faith (demonstrated by prayer at meals and bedtime) and church affiliation.  In support of the third essential, I give this advice:  I don’t care how you imagine God, nor what name you give a ‘Greater Power’ (I choose God) but a child needs some measure of goodness to aim for—daily they are exposed to the bad.  If you are resistant to the idea of a personal God, then make it a small ‘g’ and add another ‘o’ and pray for the pursuit of the ‘good’—(that being love, truth, justice, hope, kindness . . . etc.)  Invent a new prayer, i.e. “We pray that goodness be increased in life” . . . or “I welcome love, truth and kindness into my life” . . . or “May love and goodness surround us always”. . . something, but pray with your child.

Now back to how and why I see value in the struggle and would not change it if I could.  Because we were ‘alone together’, no father in the house, money was scarce, and nearest relatives were 1,000 miles away, they came to understand early that we needed to support eachother.  When still in grade school the three big ones came home after school to an empty house and were expected to do chores and homework, assisting whoever needed help—the youngest was in day-care till she entered school and then the bigger ones were her care-takers until I got home from work.  (In today’s world I’d be in trouble for that).  They were serious students and got along well together.  We had ‘family council’ meetings to talk out problems when tensions got high (they hated those, so made effort to avoid a need for them).  As each became old enough, they got after-school and summer jobs.  Each graduated from college (two with the help of scholarships).  Each married (none younger than 25) and are still married to the same person.  I think the evidence that says we succeeded at ‘family’ is our gathering at Christmas every year.  Yes, every year we have gathered for several days together; we rotate states as each lives in a different one, but I have had the privilege of being surrounded by my four children and their families every Christmas since their leaving home to build their families.

My point is not to tell a ‘they lived happily ever after story’; of course there were conflicts and disappointment and bad judgment calls and losses, but my point is to say families aren’t less just because they aren’t the ideal, families are what you make them—it is hard work and being a parent is the most demanding job you will ever have—but it can also be the most rewarding.

Of Co-Creation

In my book The Stations,* an artist is commissioned to create the Fourteen Stations of the Cross.  Each station carries a message for the contemporary world.  The 14^th Station is ‘Jesus Laid in the Tomb’; here the artist expresses the theme of co-creation.  From the book: “Here is the meeting place between time and eternity.  God has delivered the message; Jesus’ work is complete.  The human race must take it from here.  Jesus lived love and unity and demonstrated the desirable side of human potential—what we are capable of—entrusting humanity to carry out the world’s further development.  . . . when we do we become co-creators.”

*The Stations by B. Sabonis-Chafee: available at Amazon

on the same theme:

       THE CHILD IS FATHER OF THE MAN

From parent comes child

Who is destined himself to become parent.

From God comes man

Himself to become as God—

One to other

United in understanding

Through shared creation.

Each still is

But they share a being

Impossible without the evolutionary development.

But that is the completion—

The becoming is painful.

To grow under protective care:

            To have one to give answers,

            To have one to run to for comfort,

            To have one to define limits’

            To have one to forgive mistakes,

            To have one to answer needs

            To have one to see in us value . . . . . .

                                    Childhood and Innocence.

Then to be alone:

            To search out answers,

            To endure without comfort,

            To draw our own limits,

            To be responsible for mistakes,

            To find the means to answer needs,

            To create our own value by our actions . . . .

                                    Maturity and Responsibility.

The aloneness feels like abandonment;

But necessary for becoming.

It is weakness, cowardice, and death

To run back to the protectiveness outgrown.

It is strength, courage and life

To face the challenge alone.

The challenges to be met?

One cannot foretell.

For some they are few;

For others, many.

But the greater the challenges met and overcome,

The greater the one overcoming.

Refuse the challenge

       Deny the worth of the struggle.

              Give no example to those who follow,

                     Destruction . . . . . . .

                           And worse yet,

                                  Responsibility for that destruction!

Refusal, denial, and the killing of hope

Will not eliminate the responsibility inherent in maturation.

There is no choice but to go forward and build,

To find within the self

The ability to become as the One who gave being.

God is not dead

His infinite wisdom sees the necessity

Of Man’s accepting the responsibility

Of his own destiny.

The pain?

            The suffering?

                        The aloneness?

                                    To be endured!

Instead of receiving,

It is now ours to give---

The child must now become the father.

Trinity Thoughts

Throughout this Easter season I have thought much about the Trinity.  I find it does not present to me the great incomprehensible mystery theologians speak of – Why?

This is how my mind addresses it.

I am Barbara, one singular limited human being.  During my lifetime others have known me as different persons.  I can and have manifested myself in these ways:  I am parent—“Mom”; teacher—“Ms. S-C”; and writer—“B. Sabonis-Chafee”.  Because I am limited by my material reality and exist in time and space, those manifestations happen sequentially.  Although most people can and do experience me mainly as one or the other (and can even be unaware that I’m manifested differently to others at other times) I am always the same Barbara.

For God, there is not a limit.  The Eternal God exists beyond the limits of time and space.  God’s Being has been manifested to humanity in three ways: as Creator, Savior, and Spirit.  Christianity has chosen to identify those manifestations as: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.  Theologians have also chosen to label God’s different ways-of-being as ‘3 Persons’. The choice of terminology has effected our perception of and our ultimate understanding of God.

Consider the word ‘person’.   Unconsciously we bring our common understanding to it, which refers to a separate individual or ‘unit’ of being.   We know of a person as one who comes into life by way of two individuals joining in sexual union to produce a baby—or new unit of being—which is first dependent upon parents but develops (over time) into the new singular unit, independent of the source of their existence.

The vastness of God is beyond our ability to comprehend but we use what we do know to try to reach a degree of understanding.  During the two thousand years of development, the Jewish people became monotheists—believers in One God—and awaiting a Messiah.  The life and message of Jesus brought people to the belief that he was the promised Messiah, the Christ.  He preached love and peace, was crucified, died and arose—conquering death.  The Messiah, thus God’s presence had been manifested to the world.  Some of the Jews, then non-Jews became Christians, believers with the conviction that Jesus=God.  Then, experiencing another manifestation of God’s presence with Pentecost, accepted that Holy Spirit =God.  It took centuries to establish the tenets of Christianity.  One great problem (still considered the greatest Mystery) was how to reconcile monotheism with a Triune God of three different persons.  The world’s experience of God had been in three different ways as: creator, savior and spirit; these encounters were different experiences so, in thought, they were separated and given the labels of ‘Father’, ‘Son’ and ‘Holy Spirit’, calling them different ‘persons’ of God, creating the confusion of One God, but three ‘persons’.

God is beyond our knowing and those awarenesses that do come to our understanding are clouded by explanations we have invented.  When reason advances our understanding (consciousness?) it requires that we change our perceptions and relinquish the long-favored errors present in the explanation.  Faced with a change in perception it is imperative not to deny the essential experience or main point but realize the error was in the way it was explained. 

Regarding the Trinity, I suggest relinquishing the use of ‘persons’ to describe the differing manifestations—the ‘Person’ of God is God (I Am) One God.  God was manifested in an earthly sojourn as the human person, Jesus.  The Christian belief is that God did enter human form for a specific duration to share the experience of being human and demonstrate how we as humans can share in ‘godness’.  We can’t fully understand it, but history and scripture affirm that it happened.  God did not ‘leave’ eternity to become Jesus (making eternity absent of God).  Eternity holds all expressions of reality within itself, so God continues eternally while entering time’s temporality. 

How many ways can God manifest the God-self?  We can’t know that, so lets confine the issue to the ways in which humanity has recognized them.  God’s Being is manifested to our human world: 1) as Creator (we see and experience life and the world in which we exist); 2) as the Savior in the person Jesus, also identified as The Christ (saving us from limited being); and 3) as the Holy Spirit, (The Divine Milieu) present throughout all of creation, guiding our evolution.

My prayer:    God of the Universe, you are one God in three manifestations;

                          --as Creator you give us life and the world;

--as Savior you clothed yourself in human flesh and entered time to show us how we are to live

--as Holy Spirit you are everpresent, enveloping us in your love and giving guidance to those who seek your council.

            Thank you—for all that is

            Amen—Thy will, not mine be done
            Trust—I believe, Lord, help my unbelief

Easter Week 2016

There was a Holy man that lived two thousand years ago, his message—his whole message—was to love and forgive.  At first, people were attracted to him, they followed him and sought his blessing (mainly to cure their infirmities not realizing it was their humanity to which he ministered) . . . but when earthly powers turned on him those followers chose to abandon him and support those in power, “We have no king but Caesar” . . . it was safer that way.  We remember him in Holy Week because we are still hoping to learn the lessons he taught.  Our very survival depends on it.  My thoughts bounce between what Holy Week means and what the world displays to us—it says civilization is under threat.

Tracing the gradual refinement of how rulers treated their subjects can point to civilization’s evolution.  In ancient times the Romans established special rights for those who were Roman citizens.  In 1215 The Magna Carter asserted individual rights.  The Americaan Bill of Rights was ratified in 1791.  And in 1948 the newly formed United Nations established the ‘Universal Declaration of Human Rights’.   Its’ preamble asserts: “Recognition of the inherent dignity and of the equal and inalienable rights of all members of the human family is the foundation of freedom, justice, and peace in the world.”  As civilization advances, there is a notable improvement in the treatment of individuals within social order.

The Quran contains much wisdom, as do all Holy Books of all peoples (while each also contains some questionable statements).  At this point in time radical groups of Islamic fundamentalists have usurped all good in the Quran to be overshadowed by the ‘Satanic Verses’ that call for jihad, which they interpret as the slaughter of any and all who do not adhere to their rigid laws.  They are drunk on the heady powers of violence and destruction.  Because this is done in the name of Islam, all Islamists have come under suspicion. 

Many now state we are at war; but this is not a war like other wars we have known—those of territorial acquisition and material wealth—the primary objective of Jihadists is to enslave all and demand adherence to their perverted ideology thus destroying civilization as it now exists.  They trade on fear and shock, they are not just fighting an armed and uniformed ‘enemy’ but are sneaking into any place where innocent people gather to celebrate or conduct business or simply to go about their daily lives, and with suicide bombers blow up—MURDER—as many as possible.  The numbers dead and maimed measure their victory.  They capture young girls and sell them into sex-slavery, they shoot children wanting to learn to read and write, they torture and behead those whom they perceive as wrongdoers.  

We in America have the privilege of living in a free democratic country and tend to ignore ‘far-away’ problems.  We must wake up and take note of how different this scourge is, how insidious and threatening it is to civilization as a whole.  It is not the problem of a nation or region or continent, it is an attack upon universal human values.  Civilization is in the cross-hairs of the jihadists!  Look at the historical artifacts, cities and countries they have utterly destroyed causing millions to flee seeking safety, only to be met with hostility and closed borders.  Good people turn against the helpless and destitute because there are too many, and thus do the jihadists chalk up another victory against civilization.  Yes, they are a new kind of enemy. 

A new strategy is needed for the new enemy; guns and bombs aren’t enough.  I don’t have answers but believe a piece of that strategy needs to be the kind of total focus that WWII brought out; every person, young to old was ready and willing to do whatever they could.   Where are the rallying calls that bring people to awareness of what the world is facing?  Where are the musicians with ‘We Are The World’ concerts to raise money to help care for the refugees?  Where are the Internet appeals for ‘adopting’ individual groups of fighters or refugees to supply their needs?  Where are collection trucks in parking lots to gather blankets, dry goods and necessities for the millions stranded beside fenced and gated borders?  Yes, it takes planning but when the will is resolute it can happen. 

It may seem like subways and airports and 110 story buildings are the target, but make no mistake, the soul of freedom is the real target and that is of universal concern.  This threat challenges us all to finally work together to defend human rights.  Whether you are a Christian participating in the Holy Week rituals or a Jew celebrating Passover, or an eco-humanist appreciating the renewal that is Spring or a non-believer who lives by the laws that respect human rights, you recognize that there are ways of being that support and sustain life—we call that civilization.  Then there are ways of being that are deadly and destructive to all that we value—that is the enemy we must face together.

Like it or not, we are one world, one tiny blue ball in the vast expansive universe and our future is threatened—we, us, all life on this planet depends on the choices we make.  It is in our hands.  May the hope that Spring, Easter, and Passover holds translate to shared concern for the one home we all share.